Angry Thoughts

Lately, I have been angry. Angry at myself and angry at God. Call this a confession, if you will. I have been really disappointed by life, lately.I am angry that I have not graduate from college yet, I am angry that I have to wait so long to get married when it seems like all my friends are getting married before me. I am angry that I can not drink alcohol, and I am angry because I feel excluded from things that others my age are not excluded from which makes me feel like a child. No one likes being left out. I am angry that Jake cannot find a job and our life together seems to be so halted. I feel like I am in prison in my own life. I lack excitement and joy. I find myself needing to blame someone or something for all my disappointments; which I am learning is my natural tendency. I want to know whose fault is it? I need to solve for something... I need to be in control so that I can stop feeling angry, but I am not in control and I cannot in myself stop being angry. I just want to scream! Maybe, God wants me in this place to wrestle...

Truthfully, I am just really sad, and it is scary to admit that because then I realize that my sorrow is very deep and overwhelming. Often, all I want to do is cry. I want to right now. I feel powerless over it. I also want joy. I want to be excited about the future, but I always seem to be reminded of what has been withheld from me. Regardless of why... it is ever present.

The truth -- I have been deceived, like Eve, into thinking that God is holding out on me. Which makes me seek out my own needs above the needs of others. I have the need to blame. This is selfish, too. I have realized being an adult can not be defined by what I am allowed to do, but by how I choose to act/respond in maturity to my circumstances and life. Maturity defines adulthood not freedom. I am realizing that I am less of an adult than I thought I was...

Especially in light of Christ, and Philippians 2. Christ did not claim his rights and freedoms as the God of the Universe when he went to the cross for me. He is the only one who is truly free to do as he wills and he denied himself. Christ emptied himself and died on the cross. I call that not doing something enjoyable. I also call that not doing what you want. Truly surrendered to his Father. I am humbled. This is the God who I serve. I am not like him at all, but I need him so much. If Christ had claimed his rights and not gone to the cross where would that have left me??

Lord Jesus,
Please help me to acknowledge you as supreme over my life. Forgive me for claiming my rights and not seeking to walk with you in surrender and love. Give me the grace to look at you rather than myself. I am sad. I do trust that you are able to handle all my hurt, and there is a lot of it. Please work in me and be glorified through me. Teach me your ways and let your truth be my joy (Psalm 119). -Amen.