Christ is still sufficiant today

I have been greatly comforted today through a Bible Study that I am doing with several women at my school. I have realized that everyone's pain and suffering is meaningful and substantial to them at that present time in their lives. Whether it be waiting to get married, being single and graduating college seemingly alone, or losing a loved one. I can not judge the severity of another persons pain in comparison to my own, because I will never understand their pain fully. Instead I hope to enter into that pain and try to understand it so that I might bring comfort and encouragement to them in their time of need. That is what Jesus Christ does for me. Rarely does he remove my painful circumstances but instead becomes present with me in them.

I can see that his grace is still sufficient and I find myself overwhelmed by his love and faithfulness to me after I time and again am so horrible to him. He is present still - speaking truth over me. I feel like a harlot. Oh that I might trust his love for me.

Elizabeth Elliot said that suffering is, "having what you don't want, or wanting what you don't have." If you have read my last blog that is where I find myself at this season in my life. Suffering can range in scope and severity, I am certain, but it is still suffering all the same. I was encouraged today to remember that what is good for my sins is good for my sorrows - the grace of God.

"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." (1 Peter 5:10)
Amen!

Life lived daily on this planet describes the earthly reality of my circumstances. Painful. Lonely. Overwhelming. But there is another side - a heavenly side- a hope that I long to discover. I want to learn that even in the hardest of life's seasons I can actually grow in my awareness of God's presence. That God may become so large in my understanding that other "realities" slip into the background. He offers me himself, his love, his companionship, and his strength -- it is his grace! Is this not what I need? His companionship during this time particularly moves me. I need him near me. So, today I will choose to "Humble myself under God's mighty hand, that he might lift me up in due time. I will cast all my cares upon him because he says that cares for me." (1 Peter 5: 6&7)

The Truth About Me...

I am sick... I am sick of being strong, I am sick of pretending to be happy about something that I am not happy about, I am sick of hearing that it is only a matter of time, I am sick of all the lame comfort people try to give in order to help you get through a hard time when it never really helps at all. I am sick of long distance, I am sick of wedding planning, I am sick of it all.

I am fully aware of my anger and bitterness towards God. It is violent inside of me. It always seems like he cares so little for me in the hard circumstance of life. But, then again - who am I? I hate to feel! Does God even care? Why are you making me wait in pain and loneliness? Why is this my portion? I am so angry at you, God, for making me wait and do things that I have no desire to do! Why do you hold somethings out in front of me, that you know I want, and will not let me partake? I know that I am impatient and selfish. I am well aware. Another confession: I also hate the people who have what I want. I am tired of this - I am weary, broken, angry and depraved. I want to remain in my anger towards you because I want to taste it and let the hatred numb my sorrow. Why is it that in my pain you are silent?!

I am well aware of how sinful this sounds and of how sinful I am so let me take this time to confess the truth about who I am. I am presently a hopeless human being. I constantly lie to protect my self, my image and reputation, and the little sense of control I have over my life. I hate feeling like I have no control -- especially of my pain. I am so consumed with myself that I am the only one I see. Self absorbed and therefore unyieldingly selfish, I am. Also, I am an unashamed gossip. I enjoy talking about others negatively because it makes me feel better about myself. Truthfully - I like my sin. I know what it is (wrong) but it works for me. It makes me feel in control, I can ignore my pain and it give me things to talk about. I am full of pride and self-pity and I do wish this world revolved around me. This is me and this is the truthful condition of my heart.

I feel like I deserve better. I feel like I have served, striven, given, struggled, and been in school for what seems like forever. I have tried to remain positive. I feel like I am not getting to plan my wedding the way that I would have liked to. I miss Texas and can not stand Chicago weather. I feel like I am being punished. I feel like I am missing out on being single, as well as, in being in a relationship because I am stuck in the middle of both. Log-distance is horrible. I am never where I want to be. And all the while I am supposed to "feel so blessed and happy because at least I am engaged." Well, I don't feel that way, so tough! I am lonely, tied and hurting. I am not who I am supposed to be and I am not who I want to be! Good little Christian girl I am not!

What is the point in all this waiting other than to more completely convince me of how unprepared for marriage I really am! All I keep seeing is how horribly selfish and sinful I am - oh, JOY! And now as if it could not get any worse I get to get married and bring all my crap into a marriage with someone else - So sorry for my fear and lack of excitement! This feels like a death sentence. What am I doing to myself and my fiance? I must be nuts -- who in the hell believe that I can actually do this!-- What was I thinking.

This is me...

Repent

All through the New Testament God's call is to repentance --

The Greek word metanoeo, translated as repentance in the New Testament means "to change think differently about something or to have a change of mind."

So, my thoughts on this idea bring conviction to me again. I have so often "repented" and ask God to forgive me of my sins because as a Christian I know that I should do so. But honestly, I often times never have a change of mind about my sin (ex. lying) I just do not want to get into trouble, or I want to think that I am doing the right thing and therefore keeping God pleased. However, God knows my heart and how I truly feel. Maybe, God himself must bring my change of mind about my sins, or maybe I need to sit in the pain and frustration of my sins long enough to change my own mind. Maybe, I should humble myself and submit to God's word and then my mind will be changed about my sins and then bring me into repentance. Who knows?? The one thing I have realized is that I must have a change of mind concerning sin in order to be truly repentant, as God desires it. Meaning that repentance is a strong change of mind (conviction) that results in a change of my behavior.

• "Repentance is to leave the sin that I once loved before, and show that we in earnest grieve by doing so no more." - C.H. Spurgeon
• "Repentance is hating what we once loved and loving what we once hated." - Jim Elliff
• "There must be a divorce between you and your sins. Not a mere separation, for a season, but a clear divorce." C.H. Spurgeon

God's Love Pursues Us

"Almighty God, you alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners: Grant your people grace to love what you command and desire what you promise."

In an interview about Cranmer, Ashley Null summarizes powerfully humanity's problem:

According to the Thomas Cranmer's anthropology, what the heart loves, the will chooses, and the mind justifies. The mind doesn't direct the will. The mind is actually captive to what the will wants, and the will itself, in turn, is captive to what the heart wants. The trouble with human nature is that we are born with a heart that loves ourselves over and above everything else in this world, including God. In short, we are born slaves to the lust for self-gratification. That's why, if left to ourselves, we will always love those things that make us feel good about ourselves, even as we depart more and more from God and his ways. Therefore, God must intervene in our lives in order to bring salvation. Working through Scripture, the Holy Spirit first brings a conviction of sin in a believer's heart, then he births a living faith by which the believer lays hold of the extrinsic righteousness of Christ.