From the Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, You have brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see you in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold your glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the nighttime stars can be seen from deep wells, and the deeper the well the brighter your stars shine; let me find your light in my darkness, your life in my death, your joy in my sorrow, your grace in my sin, your riches in my poverty, your glory in my valley. In Christ - Amen.

Life...

Life is hard today... In fact, if I am being honest, life has been hard for awhile now. Sometimes does it not just seems to be getting harder? Or is it just me...

My Greatest Treasure

A single minded, devotional, relational pursuit of Jesus is the goal of my marriage because Jesus Christ is my greatest treasure. And this is why…

Lets say that a single man who is single-minded in his devotion to Jesus Christ is moving through life and he meets a girl. And as this guy gets to know this girl he realizes that she is part of God’s plan to push him into the fullness of the knowledge of who Jesus Christ is and so he decides to marry her, because remember this guy is single minded, and this girl helps to lead him into a greater affection for Jesus. So, they get married and life is good, and marriage is good for 6 months, 12 months, 5 years, etc. Life is going really well.

But, one day it starts to go bad, and this does not mean that my spouse just does stuff that gets on my nerves bad, because that is called marriage. I mean really bad. I mean that you prefer to stay at work rather than go home – bad.

In that moment, because we are single minded in our pursuit of Jesus Christ and in our understanding, as we entered into marriage, that God gave us our spouse to loosen up our hands on the things of this world; to reveal in us our pride, to reveal in us our selfishness; to reveal in us how much we think everything is about me; and to reveal in us our absolute refusal to love one another like Christ and other people have loved us.

We realize that as God reveals those things to us, we can begin to press into him and confess those things to him. Like, “I do have a proud heart, I do want this and this and this, and I am more concerned about me than the other person.” And we remember that, Jesus’ teaching about having an abundant life almost always revolve around our death to self. This is why Jesus said, “Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies it can never produce any kind of fruit.” We know that we are never going to really walk in how life was designed to be until we can die to ourselves, submit and follow Christ. And in so doing, we learn to lay ourselves at his feet and we choose to continue to love our spouse like Jesus Christ loved the church despite the fact that it is extremely difficult. And the beauty is that in that moment a greater ethic of love has been created for the entire world to see.

Jesus is not after our begrudging submission. We do this because, Jesus is our treasure, he is our joy, he is our fulfillment, he is our goal, he is what we are after, he is what life is about, he is what happens after life, and so our pursuit is him and in our pursuit of him a greatest ethic is created – which is unconditional love. We do this because our hearts have been transformed by his unconditional love. This is why Jesus is the greatest treasure, and the goal of marriage.

Can't a girl get a vacation?

Today, along with a lot of other days recently, I have been simply exhausted. I just cannot seem to get enough rest. I wonder if there is something wrong with me?

However, today I was particularly exhausted. I woke up tired, you know what I mean, when you get a full nights sleep and wake up still in need of more. Luckily, in the midst of my seemingly endless days of exhaustion God has been so gracious to me. Work today was so peculiarly slow that it had to be by God's grace. The lull in my day allowed me to take it slower than usual, and therefore, did not allow my random exhaustion to get the best of me. God is just so good that way! He really does know what I need before I know that I need it, and I am truly thankful to him for that, today.

I guess God's gives little vacations right when a girl needs 'em most. And I am sayin, "Amen to that!"

In the words of a great preacher...

1 John 3:2
1 Corinthians 2:9

I am like a child princess who is too young and immature to understand the favored privileges of my position or the royal inheritance that awiats me. Consequently, I may struggle with petty wants and throw tantrums over trinkets that pale in comparison to the riches that I have access to and the ones that I will recieve when I assume my Father's throne. As I grow, my God must disciple and train me so that I learn to behave like someone of royal lineage.

Throughout my training and maturing process I will begin to understand the unfolding value and implications of my inheritance. I will then someday experience the fullness of the inheritance, that awaits me. In the meantime, I must learn to act like a child of the King, and let the hope of future blessings purify my life
(1 John 3:3).

- John MacArthur "Our Sufficiency in Christ"

"For the Good"

When darkness is surrounding me
by Your Spirit, Lord help me sing
that You are working all things out
Lord, I really need to hear you speak
Remind me in the waiting
that You are working all things out


For the good of those
who are called by You
for the good of those
who are in Love with You
That's why we sing


Holy God of light
I lay down my life
Holy is the Lord
Even in the storm be glorified


We like to take the blessing from You
Shall we not take the trouble too
You are working all things out
We like to take prosperity
Shall we not take the suffering
You are working all things out


Holy are you Lord
even in the storm
be glorified
-Shane & Shane

Sufficiency in Christ alone

" In Him all the fullness of diety dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete." Colossians 2:9-10

One of my new favs

I am really not a fan of what this guy did but I really like his new song and video!

This racisim must STOP! Now is the time.

Recent thoughts...

No one can really explain marriage to you before you are married. Everyone who is married is married to a different person than you will be or are married to (well, I hope so at least). So advice often time less helpful than intended.

Marriage is a very illusive and mysterious thing, much like its creator, and it often times makes little sense to the average psyche, especially mine. You see, marriage is such a good and rewarding experience, however, it is good and rewarding in such different ways that one would expect. And, all at the same time it can also be challenging and difficult and that is part of the reason it is so good.

I am finding myself in this mysterious transition which people like to call marriage.
It is revolutionary and life changing, no doubt, and I am in the midst of it. I am a newlywed who is discovering that marriage is not all butterflies and sugarplums. It is actually more sweet and sour, and sometimes the sour overpowers the sweet.

I have found myself in a place of lonliness, during this new life transition. All the while, I am trying to love a man that I do not know as well as I thought I did. I adore my husband more than I ever thought I would before marriage but he has so many quirks, as do I, that I do not all together understand. I am, therefore, easily frustrated with him and it is often time for no good reason. I just cannot understand why he cannot address my continual flood of emotions like my girlfriends can (ha ha). I struggle to find patience and grace even though before my marriage it flowed so freely.

Like I said, marriage is nothing like what I expected, but is anything, in life, ever really like what we expect? I find myself missing the things that I used to be so ready to leave like living with my family, college and Chicago. Am I a discontent woman? I sure hope not, but it sure is how I feel. This place of living is so new and differnt from anything I have ever experienced before.

I want to be a great wife. However, I feel like my failures are always before me. I feel so unqualified for this gig. You know, like a little girl who is playing pretend. My husband, thinks that I am too hard on myself and that I probably true. Anyways, I am seeking Christ and his contentment and joy during this time of huge transition. Marriage is truly the unexpected adventure of a lifetime!

I want a much cooler blog homepage...

Any suggestions?

Prayer Request Updates

Jesus Christ, my God, is faithful!

I can officially check off of my prayer request list a New Basset Hound Puppy (check)! Jake and I just got this Easter weekend 2010 our new puppy named Henry. He is just the cutest and sweetest thing! He brings joy to our lives, as well as, the realization that we are NOT ready to have kids, yet! This is a great lesson learned so early in our marriage. Waiting on somethings is not all bad.

Jake and I are continuing to faithfully pray that God would open doors and continue to make his will for our lives very clear!

Impatiently waiting on my God

Have you ever felt like there are so many things that you want to happen in your life and you wish they could all happen right now!? That is how I am feeling today. Maybe, it is my impatient youth or my overzealous personality or my great expectations that makes me this way. Is a fall into disappintment inevitable for me? Some might say "yes!", but I pray not! I want to expect great things from my Lord and my God but I do not want to demand them in my own selfish way. How do I pray bold prayers and not become disappointed if they are not answered in the way that I would have wished? I will humble myself and wait on the Lord. He will answer me. (Psalm 62:5-8)

Here is my wish list to God:

- A Basset Hound puppy.
- A job for my Dad that is secure and that he will love.
- Good couple friends.
- A good church in which to worship, serve and develop close Godly friendships.
- Health and healing to my workplace and the ministry that they do there.
- An anniversary cruise with me husband.
- Salvation to my unsaved family members (by God's grace and for His glory)
- Grad school for both my husband and I
- A compassion child to support.
- God's guidance in our finances.

I heard a quote that I am choosing to live by: "God is rarely early, but he is never late." Amen to that as I continue to wait impatiently for the Lord while knowing that He has always been faithful to me even in the "no's".

Thoughts on Marriage as Ministry

Today, I was having coffee with a friend of mine, and she asked me why anyone would want to get married when everyone secretly knows that marriage is one of the hardest and most self-sacrificing commitments you will ever make in your life? And she also wanted to know why people make this commitment knowing that the person they marry is flawed and therefore unable to satisfy them completely. She also added that if they do not know that their significant other is flawed before marriage then they are kidding themselves. And if I am being honest with myself, and the broken world around me, then her question is a really good one.

A Christian woman told my friend that she was right -- marriage is very, very hard and constantly a reminder to you of how flawed you truly are. But, this woman had learned, through her marriage, that self-sacrificing love is actually the most fulfilling, purposeful and life-giving love anyone can ever experience. I would have to agree with this anonymous woman and her thoughts, on marriage. They excite me!

You see, my girlfriends questions did not go far enough. They were honest questions, and I appreciate that, but the question that she should be asking and the one that I think she is asking herself deep down is: What is God's purpose for marriage?

I am fairly confident that the purpose of marriage is to lead us into a greater understand of who Jesus Christ is and what he has done for us by giving his life on the cross. Within marriage we are also going to learn to need Jesus more than anyone else as our ultimate source of strength, hope and love. We are going to have to learn how to take up our cross and follow him into a life of giving to another person, above ourselves. This is why we get married; to learn to love another above ourself.

One can only achieve this when the gospel of Jesus Christ becomes real in our lives, and it must become realized through marriage, as well. Is this not what Christians want? Marriage is such a living, breathing picture of who Christ is and what he has done for us. Marriage, through Christ, becomes more purposeful and beautiful because it is just one more chance to learn how to live like Jesus and proclaim his message to a lost world through our unconditional love and commitment to one another above ourself. I am no fool, marriage will be hard – it will demand a lot, a cross even, but it excites me that Jesus Christ has called me to so great a ministry of love to another and ultimately to the world in which we live.

Marriage is a ministry that proclaims the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world.

The Great Love of God

I wanted to share some thoughts with you that have so moved me I cannot help but exclaim them to you! I love you all...

I met with Dr. Zuber, one of my Moody professors, today for breakfast and initially I did not want to get up and go at 7 in the morning. But, I did and I am really glad that I did. Because today we talked about God's love and how in the Bible there is a very real sense that God loves some people more than he loves others. Consider your life compared to the homeless drug addict you find on the street. Some would say he or she deserves that life, right? However, I realized while we were talking today that God must love me a lot more than I often am willing to give him credit for. It is because of God's love that I am not living as one of the worst of sinners. Truthfully, it is because of God's love that I am not a drug-addicted prostitute myself. If I was left to my own desires and devices that is most likely where I would be; if I am being really honest. Sure, I would often like to think that I have played a role in my successes. I would like to believe that there is something morally excellent and praiseworthy within me that has kept me from such horrible things, but, if I am being honest I know that that is pridefully untrue. This something inside of me that likes to believe that my life is because I have "chosen correctly" and in some sense earned God's love. I like this because it sheds me in a really good light and makes me feel good about myself, and often time more importantly it makes me feel like I am better than other people. But, I did not even chose my family of origin or place of birth. Wow! the great love of God that is forever providing for a sinner like me. Always extending the invitation into intimacy and sweet surrender. His love goes ever before me...

I want to know and experience more of God's love! This whole idea moves me away from my pride and into a deep place of humility and unworthiness. The Great King of both heaven and earth has chosen to love me in such a way, that even though I deserve death and hell because if my sins in both thought and action, God would instead give me: health, food to eat, nice clothing to wear, money to survive on, a family that loves me, parents that sacrifice for me, friendships that challenge, edify and encourage me, an education, a safe place to live, a man who loves me and wants to spend his life with me, salvation, forgiveness, hope, peace, restoration -- all because of his great love! I couldn't possibly have chosen this for myself. Wow!

Jesus Christ will forever worthy of all my life and all my adoration because my God has given me grace upon grace, and the only question I have now is... Who am I?

Philippines 3: 1-9

verse 1 -

Delight yourself in the Lord and continue to rejoice that you are in Him (found to be his chosen and elect child).

verse 3 -

For we Christians are truly saved, we worship God in spirit and by the Spirit of God and exult and glory and pride ourselves in Jesus Christ alone(The Christian life is not dependent on what I do and my actions but in who I worship and place high in my life), and we put no confidence in the flesh and on outward privileges and physical advantages and external experiences.(There is no gain or reward in these things, because they have been given by God's grace alone, we have not earned them.)

verse 4 -

Though for myself I had grounds to rely on my flesh...(i.e. my personal successes, social and physical advantages and achievements)

verses 5-7 -

Baptized when I was 7 years old, from the wealth of the Caucasian race, born in the United States of America, a church-goer and a daughter of church-goers, as to the observance of the law I was a legalist. As for my zeal, I was a willful hypocrite within the church and by the peoples and laws standards of righteousness I was considered the best of Christians. But whatever former things I had that might have been gain (i.e. areas of pride) for me, I have considered them all loss for Christ's sake.

verse 8 -

Yes, furthermore I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him (my position to Christ). For his sake I desire the loss of everything (that I have pridefully considered my earned and deserved gain) and consider it all to be mere rubbish, in order that I might gain Christ, the goal.

My prayer: verse 9 -

That I might actually be found and known as in Christ not having any self-achieved righteousness that can be called my own, based on my perceived obedience to the rules and legalistic demands (a ritualistic uprightness and a supposed right standing with God that I believe I have earned), but instead possessing that genuine righteousness which comes through faith and utter dependance on Jesus Christ, which is the true right standing with God, which comes from God, by saving faith, as a gift.

Glory to God for the great thing that he has done!

Christ is still sufficiant today

I have been greatly comforted today through a Bible Study that I am doing with several women at my school. I have realized that everyone's pain and suffering is meaningful and substantial to them at that present time in their lives. Whether it be waiting to get married, being single and graduating college seemingly alone, or losing a loved one. I can not judge the severity of another persons pain in comparison to my own, because I will never understand their pain fully. Instead I hope to enter into that pain and try to understand it so that I might bring comfort and encouragement to them in their time of need. That is what Jesus Christ does for me. Rarely does he remove my painful circumstances but instead becomes present with me in them.

I can see that his grace is still sufficient and I find myself overwhelmed by his love and faithfulness to me after I time and again am so horrible to him. He is present still - speaking truth over me. I feel like a harlot. Oh that I might trust his love for me.

Elizabeth Elliot said that suffering is, "having what you don't want, or wanting what you don't have." If you have read my last blog that is where I find myself at this season in my life. Suffering can range in scope and severity, I am certain, but it is still suffering all the same. I was encouraged today to remember that what is good for my sins is good for my sorrows - the grace of God.

"After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." (1 Peter 5:10)
Amen!

Life lived daily on this planet describes the earthly reality of my circumstances. Painful. Lonely. Overwhelming. But there is another side - a heavenly side- a hope that I long to discover. I want to learn that even in the hardest of life's seasons I can actually grow in my awareness of God's presence. That God may become so large in my understanding that other "realities" slip into the background. He offers me himself, his love, his companionship, and his strength -- it is his grace! Is this not what I need? His companionship during this time particularly moves me. I need him near me. So, today I will choose to "Humble myself under God's mighty hand, that he might lift me up in due time. I will cast all my cares upon him because he says that cares for me." (1 Peter 5: 6&7)

The Truth About Me...

I am sick... I am sick of being strong, I am sick of pretending to be happy about something that I am not happy about, I am sick of hearing that it is only a matter of time, I am sick of all the lame comfort people try to give in order to help you get through a hard time when it never really helps at all. I am sick of long distance, I am sick of wedding planning, I am sick of it all.

I am fully aware of my anger and bitterness towards God. It is violent inside of me. It always seems like he cares so little for me in the hard circumstance of life. But, then again - who am I? I hate to feel! Does God even care? Why are you making me wait in pain and loneliness? Why is this my portion? I am so angry at you, God, for making me wait and do things that I have no desire to do! Why do you hold somethings out in front of me, that you know I want, and will not let me partake? I know that I am impatient and selfish. I am well aware. Another confession: I also hate the people who have what I want. I am tired of this - I am weary, broken, angry and depraved. I want to remain in my anger towards you because I want to taste it and let the hatred numb my sorrow. Why is it that in my pain you are silent?!

I am well aware of how sinful this sounds and of how sinful I am so let me take this time to confess the truth about who I am. I am presently a hopeless human being. I constantly lie to protect my self, my image and reputation, and the little sense of control I have over my life. I hate feeling like I have no control -- especially of my pain. I am so consumed with myself that I am the only one I see. Self absorbed and therefore unyieldingly selfish, I am. Also, I am an unashamed gossip. I enjoy talking about others negatively because it makes me feel better about myself. Truthfully - I like my sin. I know what it is (wrong) but it works for me. It makes me feel in control, I can ignore my pain and it give me things to talk about. I am full of pride and self-pity and I do wish this world revolved around me. This is me and this is the truthful condition of my heart.

I feel like I deserve better. I feel like I have served, striven, given, struggled, and been in school for what seems like forever. I have tried to remain positive. I feel like I am not getting to plan my wedding the way that I would have liked to. I miss Texas and can not stand Chicago weather. I feel like I am being punished. I feel like I am missing out on being single, as well as, in being in a relationship because I am stuck in the middle of both. Log-distance is horrible. I am never where I want to be. And all the while I am supposed to "feel so blessed and happy because at least I am engaged." Well, I don't feel that way, so tough! I am lonely, tied and hurting. I am not who I am supposed to be and I am not who I want to be! Good little Christian girl I am not!

What is the point in all this waiting other than to more completely convince me of how unprepared for marriage I really am! All I keep seeing is how horribly selfish and sinful I am - oh, JOY! And now as if it could not get any worse I get to get married and bring all my crap into a marriage with someone else - So sorry for my fear and lack of excitement! This feels like a death sentence. What am I doing to myself and my fiance? I must be nuts -- who in the hell believe that I can actually do this!-- What was I thinking.

This is me...

Repent

All through the New Testament God's call is to repentance --

The Greek word metanoeo, translated as repentance in the New Testament means "to change think differently about something or to have a change of mind."

So, my thoughts on this idea bring conviction to me again. I have so often "repented" and ask God to forgive me of my sins because as a Christian I know that I should do so. But honestly, I often times never have a change of mind about my sin (ex. lying) I just do not want to get into trouble, or I want to think that I am doing the right thing and therefore keeping God pleased. However, God knows my heart and how I truly feel. Maybe, God himself must bring my change of mind about my sins, or maybe I need to sit in the pain and frustration of my sins long enough to change my own mind. Maybe, I should humble myself and submit to God's word and then my mind will be changed about my sins and then bring me into repentance. Who knows?? The one thing I have realized is that I must have a change of mind concerning sin in order to be truly repentant, as God desires it. Meaning that repentance is a strong change of mind (conviction) that results in a change of my behavior.

• "Repentance is to leave the sin that I once loved before, and show that we in earnest grieve by doing so no more." - C.H. Spurgeon
• "Repentance is hating what we once loved and loving what we once hated." - Jim Elliff
• "There must be a divorce between you and your sins. Not a mere separation, for a season, but a clear divorce." C.H. Spurgeon

God's Love Pursues Us

"Almighty God, you alone can bring into order the unruly wills and affections of sinners: Grant your people grace to love what you command and desire what you promise."

In an interview about Cranmer, Ashley Null summarizes powerfully humanity's problem:

According to the Thomas Cranmer's anthropology, what the heart loves, the will chooses, and the mind justifies. The mind doesn't direct the will. The mind is actually captive to what the will wants, and the will itself, in turn, is captive to what the heart wants. The trouble with human nature is that we are born with a heart that loves ourselves over and above everything else in this world, including God. In short, we are born slaves to the lust for self-gratification. That's why, if left to ourselves, we will always love those things that make us feel good about ourselves, even as we depart more and more from God and his ways. Therefore, God must intervene in our lives in order to bring salvation. Working through Scripture, the Holy Spirit first brings a conviction of sin in a believer's heart, then he births a living faith by which the believer lays hold of the extrinsic righteousness of Christ.